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A resilient spouse is a magical secret!

Do you know those magical couples, where they just look into each other eyes and know what the significiant other needs? Obviously there are couples existing who really have that vibe together, short: They do their thing and it looks like it all just magically happens.

But I will tell you the truth. The magic needs effort, personal investment.

After the first time period of every lovecouple, while the butterflies are passing by and the daily routines make it more and more difficult to create that „magic“, many couples cannot exist anymore or cannot stay lucky at a certain point.

Perhaps it’s all about destiny, you might assume, but if you ever have heard of the principle of attraction you might know: Like tends to attract like. Positivity usually attracts positivity and negativity attracts usually negativity.

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I like to tell you a story of one of my brides, who really was unpatient with their case. Let’s call her Sarah. I applied her and her boyfriends documents. Usually it takes two weeks until I will receive a approval letter means the permission for them to get married in denmark. Sometimes it just needs 5 days. Unfortunaly her caseworker dived a little deeper as usually and wanted to check the documents of the groom by the german authority (means passport control and checking the visa of the embassy which offered him to enter Europe), which had taken extra time.

Instead of hope and optimism, Sarah went pretty dark and messed it up. She contacted me many times and asked me, if I could call the danish authority who decides and ask about their case. I did it allready a few times without waiting her to tell me, because if cases takes longer time, I will ask about them by myself. But the caseworkers still not had a decision.

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Sarah felt fallen apart and was afraid, that her boyfriend would leave the country again without getting married with her. They already had a couple of years been stucked in that long-distance relationship. Two different continents, constantly waiting for visa applications and holidays to see each other again. She was not able to handle that anymore. She wanted to live together with him, at one place, as a married & happy couple.

You might ask yourself: Why does she write about that? Yes, because I told her to not destroy my success quote with her negativity. Her negative thoughts were too intense for my personal taste.

I am okay with the fact that there are lots of people running around  who are not calling themselves optimists. But hey, I am thinking positive and always putting positive energy in my clients and I am really convinced that this is the reason why I until now always had positive feedbacks through the danish authority, means a success quote of 100%. 

There are cases which are difficult and sometimes additional information is asked belonging lovecouples but the results made my couples & me always pretty happy.

So what did I do? I asked the future bride to do me a favor. She should sit down a few minutes to calm down, just relax and not let getting the „brainstruggles“ too smart over her heart. I told her to just try to see the world a little bit more positive. I knew she went to lots of problems in the past and it was unable to be positive and full of hope. I advised her to just imagine, how it would feel like, if I call her with great news that I received the permission for their marriage. She should imagine, that he would marry her boyfriend this week. I was aware about the visa, and that there were just a few days left and I really by myself was exited put did put a pokerface on, in order to give her hope and a kind of emotional confirmation that we can reach her goal.

Everything would change to the good, I stayed positive as I always do, because my hope is powerful and I am aware of it.

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I insisted on the fact that „a positive mindset“ would bring a positive answer to us. Several times I explained to her, that her negative thoughts were stopping the decisionsmakers to find a final positive conclusion. She might thought I was nuts, but if you know about the principle of attraction, you know that this psychological phenomenon is powerful. Being a little bit extraordinary is okay, right?

Do you want to know how the story ends? They got married. Finally. They said „YES!“ to each other at the same week, as I told her to imagine. And she laughed abouth her doubts and her „struggles“ and unpatience afterwards and apoligized that she did not believe in the power of positivity before. But afterwards that great result switched her mindset from dark black to pretty vanilla.

Okay let’s come back to the beginning. Those couples who are magical. What is their secret? They are focused on their power, their success, their progress, their comittment their magical vibe. People might get envious about them. They might speak about those couples who are obviously made for each other… the reason why they are happy and strong together is: They have a masterplan. They create their relationship a multiple of times over and over again. How?

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If its getting boring in the relationship, they are aware of it and are seeking for exitement inside their relationship instead of searching for it outside. They are focussed and feel the other persons need. You might ask yourself: How can I become that magical and resilient in my personal relationship?

And perhaps you will find out easily:

  • Observe– what does your spouse need
  • Offer– if you know the person you love needs something, than offer it without expecting something back in return
  • Be Grateful–  for being with that person. Pay attention to the person you love.
  • Be loyal: safe all his/her secrets and be loyal in every kind of way.
  • Be honest: perhaps its comfortable to tell a lie her and there, but focus on being honest and trustworthy on the long run you will find happiness with your spouse
  • Be exited: Your spouse is entering the room. Are you just saying „hello“ and then looking back to your laptop/smartphone or standing up, giving a big hug and telling the person you love how great it is to see him/her again?
  • Offer Respect: there is a unknown truth of being respectful. Allthough you are not the same opinion, you can offer the other person in front of you respect. You don’t need to have the same opinion, but you can respect each others views on a higher level
  • Get spiritual: Whatever you might believe in, or whatever you have in common— it can help you to build up a strong bond. You both believe in God? great, you might feel connected on a deeper level through it, or you both love soccer or coffee? So you will have something to talk about– or enjoy together without any words needed.
  • Be interested: Perhaps you love reading and your spouse is a person who enjoys movies more then a book. If you know he/she has a certain interest, it is pretty nice to show interest, allthough that topic might not be as exited as you might think by the first time. He/she would really feel more connected to you, if you show interest into his/her hobbies, obsessions and passions. And one the other side: Many books will have a movie debüt afterwards. Perhaps it might be interesting for you to read a book and then watch the movie based on that book as a couple?
  • Do your thing: People often get lost in their relatonships. Thats a huge issue. If you just invest and forget yourself and expect that everything is coming back to you but the spouse does not act as you might expect, then you should realize: You forget yourself, you got lost. So find yourself again. What is your thing? What do you like to do? Its important to do the things you enjoy on a regular basis in order to feel happy again. Nobody expects from his/her spouse to change to 180 degree. Why did that person fell in love with you? Because you did your thing! So do what you enjoy the most in order to get back on track.heiraten in dänemark.jpg

Every couple struggles sometimes. Believe me. In every relationship ups and downs are included. But your attitude is which can change a „relationship“ to a „really magical, and successful, lucky partnership“ on the long run.

Hopefully you enjoyed reading this. Do you know such kind of couples who look magical and have that certain vibe? Are you already building up such a strong bond? Love to read your personal insights about the whole issue… so if you like leave a comment now!

 

Motivational Monday: Be careful! How to live with a spouse who is totally the opposite of you!

Let me tell you a story…about a girl who deeply felt in love with a man. She was young, curious and full of hope as she met the man of her life.

She thought it would last forever. Her love was tested through a lot of problems in their future. She loved planning while he found fun in being spontaneous. She loved to be alone and in a quiet place while he needed the crowd and lots of noises to feel comfy.

They really enjoyed each other but they were so different, that they struggled with the vision of their relationship more often.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a drama if man and woman are different, they usually are and that’s natural. It’s quite exiting to be the opposite of each other… you will not bore each other at all but you need a certain base which grounds you as a couple. Trust, loyalty and happiness need an interaction of both. A successful relationship is a challenge. Back to the story:

The girl became a mother and her husband was happy about having a family with her. He enjoyed his new position as a father while he felt somehow ignored by his wife, because she physically was closer to their child then to him for the first couples of month after her childbirth.

baby-20339_1920.jpgThe girl was pretty busy with her daughter who needed her full attention. She did not realize that her husband was longing for intention too.

She was tired, overwhelmed and the home became pretty messy. There were days when she could not do the dishes or had no power to do at least a 10 minutes clean up. She was running around without doing her hair or laying on make up and because her baby bump did not disappear as fast as she wanted she felt insecure and unattractive. She disremembered to be intimate with her husband.

Her husband was patient with her at this point. And he ignored that messy circumstance in their house for a while, until he discovered that the fridge became too stinky and the garbage bin was flowing over by dirty diapers. Because she always was just inside the house, she did not realize that bad smell.

Once he went home and their baby girl had spilled a few seconds ago all over her mothers outfit. She felt weak and tired. After saying „hallo my dear“ he started a conversation with her: „Hey what’s up?“, he asked her: „I called my brother Michael. He and his wife will come over tomorrow. They will visit us for lunch“ She did not say anything.

But it was like a straightforward hit right into her face. Michaels wife Bianca was that kind of „clean mom“, that stay at home mom which loves to clean until every corner in her entire house would be sparkling tidy. Bianca was a passionate cook with lots of delicious food ideas. Thinking of having her around made the girl feel weaker then she already felt before.  Biancas children were already grown up and she always had to offer the girl a lot of hacks and supportive comments, which were inappropriate sometimes.

The girl dreamed of being perfect but was procrastinating every single score in her house so far. She had five laundry baskets of clothes in the basement which needed a great fold. And thinking of all those other spots which needed to be cleaned up made her angry and sad all together.

In her house were lots of messy areas with little stuff which needed to be organized. She asked herself how she should clean her home until her visitors would arrive. All of the sudden she became tired of everything. She felt exhausted. But her husband did not realize that she needed just a few days to reconnect with herself. But how should he know? She did not tell him how she felt like. While she started cleaning he went to the gym to meet his friends.

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Of course she functioned and cleaned up the mess. Michael and Bianca came over and had a great time. The girl felt weird all the time. She did not enjoy the conversation with them. Actually she was not interested if their dog would create messes or did not poop properly every morning.

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She always wanted to improve the world and help others to become better, smarter and happier and now after being a mom she was literally exhausted by any kind of non-sense conversation. She was longing for an intellectual exchange while all those friends and family members of Michael dealt with her superficially.

Her own friends became rare after getting married to her husband. She was young and moved to another town. Being a stay at home mom was more difficult then being an employee.

Her husband did not realize that their actual life teared her apart. She felt lonely although she had contact with others and Michael gave his best to entertain her.Sometimes she had dark days where she just felt to be in the wrong world. Especially if she was overwhelmed by noises she just imagined to escape suddenly into her own world.

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While Michael switched on the news loudly or was watching a tv show or a movie she preferred to read books in a quiet corner of their house. She never had told him, that she can’t tolerate that huge sound. Instead of this she just had hidden herself to the backround.

Once a day Michael did not come home from work. He did not call her that he would come late or needed to work longer then usual.

A couple of weeks ago they had a serious conversation. He told her that she did not find joy at all with him and that he missed to be close to her. He described her as a shell, which would close suddenly by being touched.

And perhaps he was right. More then right. She did not feed her husbands needs. She thought it were just physically but she had closed her heart for his input at all. He really wanted to help her and to support her in order to rescue their relationship, which started full of passion many years ago and was just feeling more then strange right now.

I will not bother you… you need to know the end of the story. The end is surprisingly dark. Perhaps you assume that he felt in love with another woman, he did not. He was totally loyal toward his wife, allthough she forgot to satisfy him.

On this late afternoon she got a call from a police officer. Then a call from the hospital. Her husband was injured by having a heavy car crush. As she arrived at the hospital, he was already dead. They did found fresh flowers which he had bought for her and he had written something like this on the flowercard: for my shell… let me show you how great we fit together. I will always love you until I die“

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He died very quickly because his head was bad injured. The doctors could not rescue him. The girl became a widow within a few minutes. It was a nightmare on a sunny day. Today she had prepared a candle light dinner and had decided to give all her heart to him. She had bought new underwear and had given her daughter to the grandmother in order to care just for her husband. And then suddenly those dark news. She regretted that she did refuse to be close to him all those weeks and month before.

As she got the flowers by the policeman she felt like her heart was falling apart. She did realize how much her husband had meant to her and how bad she had ignored all his small lovely actions of the last couples of months to come close to her again. She had been stucked in her own phantasy, had hidden herself allthough it was not necessary to hide herself.

It is a sad story. I know. That is the reason why I wanted to share this story with you. It’s important to recognize the lessons we can learn through this story:

  • Don’t procrastinate to show your love although you are quite different
  • Never miss to fill the other persons love pocket
  • In a relationship you should try to think how the other person might feel like.
  • Come out of your comfort zone
  • Invest in your future be aware of the present
  • COMMUNICATE!
  • Having children changes a marriage. It’s important to be intimate again after having children. Couples who are not intimate can not stay tuned as those who are.
  • Don’t wait to show the other person how much he/she means to you. It could be your last day in life
  • No regrets. Try to life in the moment. Thinking too much of your past or just imagine how a better future can be can make you forget to be present for the person who needs your attention right now.
  • Sharing a life together means to be there for each other. If the girl would have asked for help or did try to tell her husband how she felt, he could probably help her to get out of her overwhelming situation/ aka depression state.
  • Being in a non-verbal relationship because one of the spouses refuses to be open-minded is a huge fault.
  • It’s better to say what you think no matter what will happen afterwards. If you just swallow your pain, fears and struggles down you are actually not in a relationship. You live with somebody but you don’t share your thoughts and feelings with that person. That is contra-productive and superficial.
  • Every relationship has its up-s and down-s. Spouses who are aware of each other flaws and characteristics are more likely happier and easily solve their problems.
  • Be aware of your inner state. Its so important to be aware about your own. If you are not in peace with yourself, you can never be with somebody else

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Don’t get me wrong. My husband and I for example are totally the opposite of each other:

Me: early riser-He night owl

Me: extraverted- he introverted

Me: I love planning – he loves to be spontanious

I could tell you even more differences, because we are totally the opposite of each other. But we have a certain base. We are grounded by our beliefs, and our values and our goals (allthough those are quite different too)- Goals set us boundaries as well as offer us a bunch of opportunities. Love can be very intensive and true, but you need to stay tuned and be authentic with the person you share your life with.

Hopefully that story helps you to awake, if you have falling asleep in your relationship. Its so important to be aware of your NOW and to be prepared for the future, however it might looks like. We cannot control everything, but we can try to lead ourselves to happiness and success. Be inspired and reflect so you will not regret your life.

You like that kind of content? Then give me a like. If you want to read more motivational stuff, relationship-hacks and positive thoughts in general then consider to subscribe to my blog. If you fill out down below your emailadress, you will not miss a blogpost of mine anymore. I wish you just the best and hope you will become more happier and positive in 2019.

Motivational Monday Partnershipgoals: Why does a fight with my spouse help to clear the air?

Hopefully you had a great weekend and you are high motivated to start this monday with good intention and happiness. Did you had a great weekend so far?

I am grateful about the fact that my weekend was really awesome.  I enjoyed my me-time, quality-time with my husband as well as some adventures with our children.

On sunday I went to a circus with my family and I realized that the people around me were full of conflicts. I thought, its really bad for people, if they are having an argument but don’t know to handle their problems with each other in a proper way.

Honestly I often feel so emphatic that I could literally cry for other peoples headaches… but if those people would realize how powerful a fight can be and how much impact a solved conflict can bring into a relationship they would not be scared of fighting anymore. I am really optimistic about the fact that every interaction between human beings can help us to know each other on a deeper level, as well as explore ourselves.

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Most people are not able to handle conflicts in a decent way. They actually did not learn it as a child nor in their partnership. If a conflict arises a person which is not able to manage that problem in a professional way will react mostly in one of those four ways:

  1. He/she withdraws, like snails hide into their houses.
  2. He/she becomes silent and reacts offended and starts ignoring the other person.
  3. He/She attacks and insults the opponent without thinking about the consequences.
  4. He/She leaves because of the leck of ability to handle any conflict.

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The reason why people are afraid to handle conflicts with others is that they did not learn it. We can compare it with a small lesson of your childhood, like riding a bike or learning swimming. I am sure about the fact that at the first try of both activities you were uncertain and concerned about your ability to get through that exercise in a good way.

And that is totally okay. Why? Because people always need to do things more then once in order to get sure about it and to develope a certain confidence. The ability of proper conflict-management is not a native skill. You need to fight a couple of times in order to learn fighting in a wiser way.

If you recognize that fighting is not the end of the world, you will also learn, that fighting is quite usual and can even bring an impact to your relationship.  In most cases a great solution is on the way if you put your effort and your kindness into that conflict:

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Most reasons for fight:

  • People fight because they are different.
  • People fight because they have various needs.
  • People fight because of their selective perception.
  • People fight because of their different opinions, goals and values
  • People fight, because they misunderstood a lot, or misinterpret words, emotions and reactions of others
  • People fight because of cultural differences and lingual gaps.
  • People fight, because of bad habits and frustration.

This list could be a never ending one. Because there are so many reasons and options to start a fight with your spouse. But it does not matter, WHY you are fighting. Sometimes there is something in the air and a conflict arises suddenly…

The important thing about fighting is to prepare yourself for that „war“. You might laugh about my words, because I describe it in this way!  By preparation for a conflict I don’t mean to arm yourself and to check your weapons to be ready all the time. On the contrary I recommend that you should try to strengthen your skills belonging conflict-management. Then you can easily figure out how to fight with an successful outcome.

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Most parents show their children how to share a bar of chocolate and how to fight for their rights. But just a few adults teach their children how to handle with personal conflicts.

Especially that ability of conflict-management is needed and helpful in a partnership as well as in other aspects of our society. People who can calm down and stay politely in conflicts are an enrichment for all of us.

The generation Y was full of children which witnessed the divorce of their parents. I was really lucky that my parents did stay together, but in my class there were daily news about new fights of parents and claims of divorces.

I remember how broken those pupils were but actually they were happy about the fact that there were no more fights anymore. But some of them got that kind of commitment phobia. They were unable to trust someone close in their life afterwards, because of the divorce of their parents. Others thought they would do it so much better as their parents did, but they really failed.

A happy marriage is not build in a day. It needs the ability to invest and the investment is not allowed to be onesided. If both spouses are on the same level they can improve their partnership day by day. A qualified conflict-management system can realize building up a strong relationship: If you know how to fight, you can learn through all your conflicts. It is like an app which is updated. You will create the opportunity to have more space and be faster and safer afterwards.

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I like to compare a relationship with entrepreneurship. If you are running a business there can happen a lot of unexpected circumstances aka conflicts. If you learn to handle these problems and stay motivated you can bring your business on a higher level. If you create solutions for problems and conflics you can really be aware of everything and stay on top.

It is similar in a relationship. A good fight can clear the air. Your space you are living in sometimes needs an intensive housecleaning process. The emotional impact is huge, because you bring all these feelings out of your mind and give the other person access to exchange data with your heart.

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I personally don’t believe that a relationship does work without fighting and making ones peace with each other afterwards.

If one person is shy to fight or afraid of conflicts, he/she will do everything in order to please the spouse and to avoid a conflict. But that kind of relationship is not a healthy one. Because that person which is always swallowing his/her feeelings in order to keep a „peaceful environment“ will suddenly burn out. It is just a question of time.

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There are some rules, which are really helpful, if you are in an argument and belonging your future as a couple:

  1. You should start always with an I message: “ I am concerned.“, „I am sad.“ „I am angry“. And you should not say things like: I am sad because you are a jerk.“
  2. Explain and express yourself without complaining or warming up old stuff of the past!
  3. You should try to act honestly & politely allthough you literally would prefer to throw a plate on the floor ;O):
  4. Listen, what the other person has to say. And try to stay silent until the other person finishes his/her explainations. Don’t interrupt. I know that’s really hard but you can train yourself to stop interrupting. Give the other party that space to express his/her feelings and sorrows
  5. Review about the situation and ask the other person about personal wishes and suggestions to solve a certain problem.
  6. Mention which is important to yourself and stay calm.
  7. Agree on a compromise, even if you would like to win this fight. In most cases both spouses are right. But naturally you feel that your point of view is the right term. A compromise is the tool which let you both become winners instead of a winner and a looser result. You should always support a win- win situation
  8. Reflect about the feelings and the needs of the person you love and share your life with.
  9. How can you support that person? Would it bring an impact to continuate in this condition? Evaluate the consequences of your speech, actions and intentions and try to bring a greater value into your partnership
  10. Balance is the key to handle any conflict. If you are sad about something and you miss to point this out, it is possible that your spouse is not aware of your sadness. Communication is the key to a happy marriage. Try to express your thoughts and feelings on a daily basis in order to avoid that you collect a huge amount of unpleasent feelings.

Fighting with your spouse is not as bad as it might seem by the first sight. It is the oppurtunity to get to know each other better and to connect and find compromises. Fighting cleans the air, because you can express yourself. If your spouse is able to have a good fight with you it can intense your partnership. Solving problems brings a great value. So if you learn to fight with introducing peace into that process, you will really fresh up your partnership after every conflict.

Hopefully you enjoyed reading this. WAIT! If you did, please press the like-button or share this with somebody who should read this blogarticle. I really love people to stay connected and try improving themselves. If you want to help others too, then hit the share-button: Because sharing is caring!

How do you handle your conflicts?  I would really love to know how you think about managing conflicts in a relationship. Which hack do you want to share? Do you like to point out something which was not mentioned by me? Please use the comment function to interact!

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