Hopefully you had a great weekend and you are high motivated to start this monday with good intention and happiness. Did you had a great weekend so far?
I am grateful about the fact that my weekend was really awesome. I enjoyed my me-time, quality-time with my husband as well as some adventures with our children.
On sunday I went to a circus with my family and I realized that the people around me were full of conflicts. I thought, its really bad for people, if they are having an argument but don’t know to handle their problems with each other in a proper way.
Honestly I often feel so emphatic that I could literally cry for other peoples headaches… but if those people would realize how powerful a fight can be and how much impact a solved conflict can bring into a relationship they would not be scared of fighting anymore. I am really optimistic about the fact that every interaction between human beings can help us to know each other on a deeper level, as well as explore ourselves.
Most people are not able to handle conflicts in a decent way. They actually did not learn it as a child nor in their partnership. If a conflict arises a person which is not able to manage that problem in a professional way will react mostly in one of those four ways:
- He/she withdraws, like snails hide into their houses.
- He/she becomes silent and reacts offended and starts ignoring the other person.
- He/She attacks and insults the opponent without thinking about the consequences.
- He/She leaves because of the leck of ability to handle any conflict.
The reason why people are afraid to handle conflicts with others is that they did not learn it. We can compare it with a small lesson of your childhood, like riding a bike or learning swimming. I am sure about the fact that at the first try of both activities you were uncertain and concerned about your ability to get through that exercise in a good way.
And that is totally okay. Why? Because people always need to do things more then once in order to get sure about it and to develope a certain confidence. The ability of proper conflict-management is not a native skill. You need to fight a couple of times in order to learn fighting in a wiser way.
If you recognize that fighting is not the end of the world, you will also learn, that fighting is quite usual and can even bring an impact to your relationship. In most cases a great solution is on the way if you put your effort and your kindness into that conflict:
Most reasons for fight:
- People fight because they are different.
- People fight because they have various needs.
- People fight because of their selective perception.
- People fight because of their different opinions, goals and values
- People fight, because they misunderstood a lot, or misinterpret words, emotions and reactions of others
- People fight because of cultural differences and lingual gaps.
- People fight, because of bad habits and frustration.
This list could be a never ending one. Because there are so many reasons and options to start a fight with your spouse. But it does not matter, WHY you are fighting. Sometimes there is something in the air and a conflict arises suddenly…
The important thing about fighting is to prepare yourself for that „war“. You might laugh about my words, because I describe it in this way! By preparation for a conflict I don’t mean to arm yourself and to check your weapons to be ready all the time. On the contrary I recommend that you should try to strengthen your skills belonging conflict-management. Then you can easily figure out how to fight with an successful outcome.
Most parents show their children how to share a bar of chocolate and how to fight for their rights. But just a few adults teach their children how to handle with personal conflicts.
Especially that ability of conflict-management is needed and helpful in a partnership as well as in other aspects of our society. People who can calm down and stay politely in conflicts are an enrichment for all of us.
The generation Y was full of children which witnessed the divorce of their parents. I was really lucky that my parents did stay together, but in my class there were daily news about new fights of parents and claims of divorces.
I remember how broken those pupils were but actually they were happy about the fact that there were no more fights anymore. But some of them got that kind of commitment phobia. They were unable to trust someone close in their life afterwards, because of the divorce of their parents. Others thought they would do it so much better as their parents did, but they really failed.
A happy marriage is not build in a day. It needs the ability to invest and the investment is not allowed to be onesided. If both spouses are on the same level they can improve their partnership day by day. A qualified conflict-management system can realize building up a strong relationship: If you know how to fight, you can learn through all your conflicts. It is like an app which is updated. You will create the opportunity to have more space and be faster and safer afterwards.
I like to compare a relationship with entrepreneurship. If you are running a business there can happen a lot of unexpected circumstances aka conflicts. If you learn to handle these problems and stay motivated you can bring your business on a higher level. If you create solutions for problems and conflics you can really be aware of everything and stay on top.
It is similar in a relationship. A good fight can clear the air. Your space you are living in sometimes needs an intensive housecleaning process. The emotional impact is huge, because you bring all these feelings out of your mind and give the other person access to exchange data with your heart.
I personally don’t believe that a relationship does work without fighting and making ones peace with each other afterwards.
If one person is shy to fight or afraid of conflicts, he/she will do everything in order to please the spouse and to avoid a conflict. But that kind of relationship is not a healthy one. Because that person which is always swallowing his/her feeelings in order to keep a „peaceful environment“ will suddenly burn out. It is just a question of time.
There are some rules, which are really helpful, if you are in an argument and belonging your future as a couple:
- You should start always with an I message: “ I am concerned.“, „I am sad.“ „I am angry“. And you should not say things like: I am sad because you are a jerk.“
- Explain and express yourself without complaining or warming up old stuff of the past!
- You should try to act honestly & politely allthough you literally would prefer to throw a plate on the floor ;O):
- Listen, what the other person has to say. And try to stay silent until the other person finishes his/her explainations. Don’t interrupt. I know that’s really hard but you can train yourself to stop interrupting. Give the other party that space to express his/her feelings and sorrows
- Review about the situation and ask the other person about personal wishes and suggestions to solve a certain problem.
- Mention which is important to yourself and stay calm.
- Agree on a compromise, even if you would like to win this fight. In most cases both spouses are right. But naturally you feel that your point of view is the right term. A compromise is the tool which let you both become winners instead of a winner and a looser result. You should always support a win- win situation
- Reflect about the feelings and the needs of the person you love and share your life with.
- How can you support that person? Would it bring an impact to continuate in this condition? Evaluate the consequences of your speech, actions and intentions and try to bring a greater value into your partnership
- Balance is the key to handle any conflict. If you are sad about something and you miss to point this out, it is possible that your spouse is not aware of your sadness. Communication is the key to a happy marriage. Try to express your thoughts and feelings on a daily basis in order to avoid that you collect a huge amount of unpleasent feelings.
Fighting with your spouse is not as bad as it might seem by the first sight. It is the oppurtunity to get to know each other better and to connect and find compromises. Fighting cleans the air, because you can express yourself. If your spouse is able to have a good fight with you it can intense your partnership. Solving problems brings a great value. So if you learn to fight with introducing peace into that process, you will really fresh up your partnership after every conflict.
Hopefully you enjoyed reading this. WAIT! If you did, please press the like-button or share this with somebody who should read this blogarticle. I really love people to stay connected and try improving themselves. If you want to help others too, then hit the share-button: Because sharing is caring!
How do you handle your conflicts? I would really love to know how you think about managing conflicts in a relationship. Which hack do you want to share? Do you like to point out something which was not mentioned by me? Please use the comment function to interact!