Let me tell you a story…about a girl who deeply felt in love with a man. She was young, curious and full of hope as she met the man of her life.
She thought it would last forever. Her love was tested through a lot of problems in their future. She loved planning while he found fun in being spontaneous. She loved to be alone and in a quiet place while he needed the crowd and lots of noises to feel comfy.
They really enjoyed each other but they were so different, that they struggled with the vision of their relationship more often.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a drama if man and woman are different, they usually are and that’s natural. It’s quite exiting to be the opposite of each other… you will not bore each other at all but you need a certain base which grounds you as a couple. Trust, loyalty and happiness need an interaction of both. A successful relationship is a challenge. Back to the story:
The girl became a mother and her husband was happy about having a family with her. He enjoyed his new position as a father while he felt somehow ignored by his wife, because she physically was closer to their child then to him for the first couples of month after her childbirth.
The girl was pretty busy with her daughter who needed her full attention. She did not realize that her husband was longing for intention too.
She was tired, overwhelmed and the home became pretty messy. There were days when she could not do the dishes or had no power to do at least a 10 minutes clean up. She was running around without doing her hair or laying on make up and because her baby bump did not disappear as fast as she wanted she felt insecure and unattractive. She disremembered to be intimate with her husband.
Her husband was patient with her at this point. And he ignored that messy circumstance in their house for a while, until he discovered that the fridge became too stinky and the garbage bin was flowing over by dirty diapers. Because she always was just inside the house, she did not realize that bad smell.
Once he went home and their baby girl had spilled a few seconds ago all over her mothers outfit. She felt weak and tired. After saying “hallo my dear” he started a conversation with her: “Hey what’s up?”, he asked her: “I called my brother Michael. He and his wife will come over tomorrow. They will visit us for lunch” She did not say anything.
But it was like a straightforward hit right into her face. Michaels wife Bianca was that kind of “clean mom”, that stay at home mom which loves to clean until every corner in her entire house would be sparkling tidy. Bianca was a passionate cook with lots of delicious food ideas. Thinking of having her around made the girl feel weaker then she already felt before. Biancas children were already grown up and she always had to offer the girl a lot of hacks and supportive comments, which were inappropriate sometimes.
The girl dreamed of being perfect but was procrastinating every single score in her house so far. She had five laundry baskets of clothes in the basement which needed a great fold. And thinking of all those other spots which needed to be cleaned up made her angry and sad all together.
In her house were lots of messy areas with little stuff which needed to be organized. She asked herself how she should clean her home until her visitors would arrive. All of the sudden she became tired of everything. She felt exhausted. But her husband did not realize that she needed just a few days to reconnect with herself. But how should he know? She did not tell him how she felt like. While she started cleaning he went to the gym to meet his friends.
Of course she functioned and cleaned up the mess. Michael and Bianca came over and had a great time. The girl felt weird all the time. She did not enjoy the conversation with them. Actually she was not interested if their dog would create messes or did not poop properly every morning.
She always wanted to improve the world and help others to become better, smarter and happier and now after being a mom she was literally exhausted by any kind of non-sense conversation. She was longing for an intellectual exchange while all those friends and family members of Michael dealt with her superficially.
Her own friends became rare after getting married to her husband. She was young and moved to another town. Being a stay at home mom was more difficult then being an employee.
Her husband did not realize that their actual life teared her apart. She felt lonely although she had contact with others and Michael gave his best to entertain her.Sometimes she had dark days where she just felt to be in the wrong world. Especially if she was overwhelmed by noises she just imagined to escape suddenly into her own world.
While Michael switched on the news loudly or was watching a tv show or a movie she preferred to read books in a quiet corner of their house. She never had told him, that she can’t tolerate that huge sound. Instead of this she just had hidden herself to the backround.
Once a day Michael did not come home from work. He did not call her that he would come late or needed to work longer then usual.
A couple of weeks ago they had a serious conversation. He told her that she did not find joy at all with him and that he missed to be close to her. He described her as a shell, which would close suddenly by being touched.
And perhaps he was right. More then right. She did not feed her husbands needs. She thought it were just physically but she had closed her heart for his input at all. He really wanted to help her and to support her in order to rescue their relationship, which started full of passion many years ago and was just feeling more then strange right now.
I will not bother you… you need to know the end of the story. The end is surprisingly dark. Perhaps you assume that he felt in love with another woman, he did not. He was totally loyal toward his wife, allthough she forgot to satisfy him.
On this late afternoon she got a call from a police officer. Then a call from the hospital. Her husband was injured by having a heavy car crush. As she arrived at the hospital, he was already dead. They did found fresh flowers which he had bought for her and he had written something like this on the flowercard: for my shell… let me show you how great we fit together. I will always love you until I die”
He died very quickly because his head was bad injured. The doctors could not rescue him. The girl became a widow within a few minutes. It was a nightmare on a sunny day. Today she had prepared a candle light dinner and had decided to give all her heart to him. She had bought new underwear and had given her daughter to the grandmother in order to care just for her husband. And then suddenly those dark news. She regretted that she did refuse to be close to him all those weeks and month before.
As she got the flowers by the policeman she felt like her heart was falling apart. She did realize how much her husband had meant to her and how bad she had ignored all his small lovely actions of the last couples of months to come close to her again. She had been stucked in her own phantasy, had hidden herself allthough it was not necessary to hide herself.
It is a sad story. I know. That is the reason why I wanted to share this story with you. It’s important to recognize the lessons we can learn through this story:
- Don’t procrastinate to show your love although you are quite different
- Never miss to fill the other persons love pocket
- In a relationship you should try to think how the other person might feel like.
- Come out of your comfort zone
- Invest in your future be aware of the present
- Having children changes a marriage. It’s important to be intimate again after having children. Couples who are not intimate can not stay tuned as those who are.
- Don’t wait to show the other person how much he/she means to you. It could be your last day in life
- No regrets. Try to life in the moment. Thinking too much of your past or just imagine how a better future can be can make you forget to be present for the person who needs your attention right now.
- Sharing a life together means to be there for each other. If the girl would have asked for help or did try to tell her husband how she felt, he could probably help her to get out of her overwhelming situation/ aka depression state.
- Being in a non-verbal relationship because one of the spouses refuses to be open-minded is a huge fault.
- It’s better to say what you think no matter what will happen afterwards. If you just swallow your pain, fears and struggles down you are actually not in a relationship. You live with somebody but you don’t share your thoughts and feelings with that person. That is contra-productive and superficial.
- Every relationship has its up-s and down-s. Spouses who are aware of each other flaws and characteristics are more likely happier and easily solve their problems.
- Be aware of your inner state. Its so important to be aware about your own. If you are not in peace with yourself, you can never be with somebody else
Don’t get me wrong. My husband and I for example are totally the opposite of each other:
Me: early riser-He night owl
Me: extraverted- he introverted
Me: I love planning – he loves to be spontanious
I could tell you even more differences, because we are totally the opposite of each other. But we have a certain base. We are grounded by our beliefs, and our values and our goals (allthough those are quite different too)- Goals set us boundaries as well as offer us a bunch of opportunities. Love can be very intensive and true, but you need to stay tuned and be authentic with the person you share your life with.
Hopefully that story helps you to awake, if you have falling asleep in your relationship. Its so important to be aware of your NOW and to be prepared for the future, however it might looks like. We cannot control everything, but we can try to lead ourselves to happiness and success. Be inspired and reflect so you will not regret your life.
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